Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Deadspin's Drew Magary Competes On Chopped Amateurs

Photo - Food Network
Back in July of 2012, Drew Magary, who is a columnist at the popular sports website Deadspin.com, applied to be on Food Network's Chopped and posted his humorous responses to all of the questions on the application.  Drew is a big fan of the show and when he heard there would be an amateur episode, he decided to submit an application.  Some of the questions and his responses are below, and here is the full post/application:

In a few sentences, please share your story: Tell us who you are and your current situation.
I'm a writer for Gawker and Deadspin and a correspondent for GQ magazine and I watch Chopped more often than is healthy. I wanna walk into that kitchen, take a deckle of beef and a pickled chicken foot, and I wanna rock Geoffrey Zakarian's nuts off. I cook at home all the time and have OK knife skills, along with a basic understanding of making sauces, roasting meats, and cooking pasta correctly. If you choose me, I will NOT overcook the pasta. I will let the meat rest properly. I will devein every shrimp. And I won't serve Conant red onions. You have my word.

If you are not a professional chef, list any goals past or present regarding cooking professionally.
I have but one goal: To go on "Chopped," win the $10,000, get Frietag to smile a devilish smile at me, and then retire UNDEFEATED. Once I serve you a title-winning olive panna cotta with rosemary caramel, I'm OUT.

Discuss some of the results/rewards of your cooking, the ways your culinary work has touched others.
Dude, you have NINETEEN essay questions on this application. Are you shitting me? This isn't Harvard Law School. I'm not gonna give you some flowery bullshit about my food touching the soul of others. I'm here to MAKE LOVE TO YOUR TONGUE. That's it.

Why do you think you can be the next Chopped Champion?
I will get everything on the plate. I will not serve raw chicken. I will not lose track of the clock, which is insane for chefs to do because the clock is right there and Ted is always shouting out how much time is left. I will not wander around the pantry like a moron. I will render my bacon fat until it's nice and crispy. I will keep my station clean and not throw food scraps on the floor like that one British lesbian lady did, which was so gross. I will not bitch about the ingredients in the mystery basket. "WHOA HEY CANNED FISH! I didn't expect this!" No kidding, idiot. You're on Chopped.

Chopped host Ted Allen saw the application and posted on Twitter:

So now here we are two and a half years later and Drew is getting his shot to compete on Chopped.

He didn't get a chance to "rock Geoffrey Zakarian's nuts off" or make Amanda Freitag smile at him as neither were judges on his episode.  He did follow through on his promise to not serve Scott Conant red onions, but he did break some linguine in half and wore a dad shirt to annoy him.

Despite an appetizer that was too large and a entree that was too small, Drew made it to the dessert round.  Instead of mentioning relatives that were dead as he said he would, he went with the premature kid story to win over the judges.  In the dessert round, Drew made a pavlova, and ended up winning the $10,000.  Who knows what will happen to that $10,000 now...

Hopefully Drew has some more commentary about his experience on the show.

Side note - Here is an article about the Doll Lady from the episode, and it is pretty weird as you probably expected.


  1. I love Drew's application! I didn't get to see the episode, but I'm going to have to hunt it down because I think I missed a good one.
    I'd seen an article on the doll lady previously, but not one as in-depth as the one you linked to Matt. Thanks for that. I am now going to have nightmares about creepy looking dolls and their eyes following me around the room! J/K about that, but she is rather out there and I have no words to even explain the dolls.

  2. Oh no breaking the linguine in half is a crime too? I do that all the time unless I am cooking for lots of people and use the real big pot.

    But hey, I like raw red onions too.

    I would also like to do dirty thing to Amanda, not sure why,,,,

  3. Does anyone know why Chopped doesn't show the judges discussing the dishes between each round before a cook is eliminated/\? They show the contestants in another room and then go directly to who is being eliminated.

  4. I'd enjoy hearing that discussion. I've always wondered why we don't hear more of how they decided.

  5. I actually found the dollmaker more frightening to look at than her dolls.